Welcome to the newest installment of Game(Skinny) Of Thrones, the only internet series that predicts with 100% accuracy* what will occur on the next episode of Game Of Thrones through the crucible of the video game WWE 2K16. Last week, we predicted that Ramsay Bolton would kill Jon Snow, and that The Mountain, Gregor Clegane would kill John Cena. Sadly, um, none of that happened.
Suffice it to say, our Game of Thrones simulations have not been extremely accurate thus far. We have been working tirelessly around the clock to debug and we have finally ensured that our software is primed and ready to simulate HBO’s hit show Game Of Thrones. Now would be a good time to mention that if you aren’t all the way caught up, there will be spoilers below.
*nope
ROUND 1: JON SNOW vs RAMSAY BOLTON…AGAIN (HELL IN A CELL)
Despite his overall fighter rating of 95, our WWE 2K16 Game Of Thrones simulations have not been kind to Jon Snow thus far, and in fact has not won a single match yet. Now, reunited with Sansa and with the backing of Brienne of Tarth and the Wildling army, Snow is primed to march on Winterfell and retake his home. The only one standing in his way is (yet again), Ramsay Bolton. Folks, it’s the Bastard Bowl.
Fenced in by the walls of Winterfell, the two will face off in a fight to the death. Surprisingly, Ramsay will begin the fight incredibly aggressively, running full steam ahead and slamming Snow into the ground.
Enraged, he will kick Snow while he’s down, refusing to let up at all, despite Sansa’s cries.
Ramsay, knowing how motivated Jon Snow is, will then attempt to kill him early by breaking his neck. He knows that the longer this fight drags on, the more the fight favors Jon Snow and his superior strength.
Jon Snow escapes, however, and after being beaten by a metal folding chair that Ramsay found lying around somewhere, he is able to reverse one of Bolton’s aggressive moves to gain the upper hand.
Unfortunately, Ramsay was ready for this. Recovering quickly and wanting to end the fight immediately, he summons up all of his strength for his finisher, The Pound Of Flesh. Bolton flings Snow into the air, and ensures that he lands back-first on his knees, causing his spine to snap instantly.
Unable to walk, Snow tries to crawl back to his army, but it is too late. Ramsay easily catches up to him, and reminds him of the old Stark rule that reads “Any man that may pin a Stark to the snowy grounds of Winterfell for 3 seconds is the true Warden of the North and shall be so for all eternity, or at least until he’s pinned too”. As the count sounds, Bolton leaves, locking Snow in a cell as Sansa and the Wildling army retreat to try again at another time.
So for those of you keeping track at home, Jon Snow is now 0 for 3. Poor guy.
ROUND 2: JAIME LANNISTER vs. THE HIGH SPARROW (SUBMISSION MATCH)
One of the biggest revelations from last week’s Game Of Thrones was the plot the Lannisters hatched to retake power from The Sparrows by having Jaime’s army take them all into custody (or just kill them, whatever works).
The plan, as it was laid out, seemed fairly fool-proof, but if there’s one thing we’ve learned about the High Sparrow thus far, it’s that he is cunning and ready for any turn of events.
The plan’s success will depend on the combatants’ ability to make the other submit to their will, both figuratively and literally. In Westeros, it is common knowledge that in any fight or duel over anything, if someone taps on the ground, it represents a total forfeit, and implies that their opponent has convinced them of their side of the argument.
Probably.
Jaime starts off strong, as expected. He is physically overpowering, and uses that strength to hone in on the High Sparrow’s weak points, which are everywhere since he is a very old man who has no business fighting this way.
Sensing a break in Jaime’s concentration, however, The High Sparrow sees an opportunity. He wrestles Jaime to the ground, and delivers a personal sermon about the true meaning of sacrifice and heroism while gently cradling Jaime’s head in his arms.
Jaime escapes and attempts to retort with words of his own, but something has changed and Jaime isn’t fighting with the same vigor as he used to. Doubt has crept in.
Newly invigorated, The High Sparrow slams Jaime to the ground.
Hard.
Finding his groove, the High Sparrow continues his story, telling of a hero on his deathbed.
The hero looked back on his life, on all the killing, the fighting, the struggling, and before passing on to the next world, realized something.
The world was no better off now than it was before he started fighting.
Though his struggles may have fulfilled him, may have given the hero a purpose in life, the hero realized in his last moments that all of it was a lie. Every evil that he thought he had vanquished by his sword rose anew. And as the hero passed into the next world, he was filled with regret that this moment of clarity came too late.
As the story ends, the High Sparrow puts Jaime in his signature hold, The Sparrow’s Wing, and Jaime, full of sadness and regret, taps out. His army is forced to retreat, and Margaery’s walk of shame proceeds as planned.
The High Sparrow then turns his attention to Cersei, commenting that because of this attack, she must be tried immediately. The episode will end with Cersei being put to death by way of being slammed through a table wrapped in barbed wire.
Do you have any predictions for tonight’s episode? Sound off in the comments!
Published: May 21, 2016 11:34 am