Uncle Grimmy’s Catch of the Day – Craigslist

We’ve got a big one here…

In the true spirit of these “Catch of the Day” articles, we’re going to break this one down, line by line, but I’m going to spoil this for you early.  It’s a phony.  I have no idea why someone would post this phony ad, but it is a phony and I’ll show you why.

I need some help with my computer. My girlfriend decided that it would be funny to put my COMPUTER TOWER behind the rear passenger tire.

There is just one wrong word in this sentence.  Anyone who would put a computer, even one this old and crappy looking, under the tire of their boyfriend’s car would be an EX-girlfriend faster than you could say “Who’s a psycho hose-beast?”  Seriously, ladies, there is no conceivable circumstance under which it would be appropriate to do this to someone’s computer.  If you think otherwise then I’m sure you’ll enjoy spending your Valentine’s Day curled up on your couch with your cats, a tub of chocolate-chip cookie dough, and a “Sex and the City” marathon… alone.  If you’re wondering why no self-respecting male will give you the time of day, it’s because you think it is somehow empowering to destroy your significant other’s computer gear for any reason.

Let’s move on…

Needless to say I did not run over it… fully.

No, I think you needed to say this.  In addition to inadvertently crushing your computer case, you somehow managed to teleport it 10 years into the future.  Seriously, does that thing have a 486 in it or what?

Now, before you ask about the tape, please understand that it is ELECTRICIANS TAPE.. I know we are dealing with electrical parts here, so I did not want something that could fry any of my sensitive data.

He ran over his computer with a car, but he’s somehow worried about static discharge?  Oh, and can we just go ahead and say “porn” instead of “sensitive data”?  You’re not fooling anyone, you know.

Yeah, I’m stereotyping.  Feel free to send me the therapy bill…

Please, for the love of all that is pure and good, I have 14 maxed level characters from the game ‘WORLD OF WARCRAFT’ on this machine. It IS MY LIFE!

Men, if you have 14 max-level characters in World of Warcraft, you’re either a gaming columnist or an addict.  I can easily believe that this computer is your life because you certainly do not have one outside of the game.  Want to know what else you don’t have?  A GIRLFRIEND!  Ladies, if you have 14 max-level characters in World of Warcraft… Okay, I’m not going to lie, that’s hot.  Call me.  

I’m not even going to mention that your characters don’t actually reside on your computer.  That’s just kinda sad, actually.  I wish that we could keep our characters on our local machines in some MMO.  How much fun would a “Cheat all you want! Anything goes!” MMO be? (Oh wait… They already have EVE Online, don’t they?)

Someone has seen “The Godfather” too many times…

I do not have any money to pay, but I would be forever grateful, and if you ever need to get rid of someone, or perhaps need some help in my game I would be ready and willing to assist.

So, Mr. “I’m so oblivious, I don’t notice that there is a freaking full tower computer under my car” moonlights as a hitman?

Here are a few more things that I noticed, just for giggles.

• CRTs?  People still have those?
• Wait, multiple CRTs?  What kind of “1980’s Computer Lab From Hell” does this guy live in?
• If he ran over this computer, even partially, then why is the side of his computer case bent OUTWARD?

This is the second greatest Craigslist ad in the history of MMO gaming.  What’s the first?  That, my friends, is another story entirely.